Day 26 Post-Op: The Body I Had, The Miracle That Happened, and The Next Big Thing
I am twenty-six days out today. In just two days, it will be a full month since surgery, and to be completely honest, this past week was rough.
The acute survival phase is behind me, which is great, but now I am stuck in this strange, frustrating middle ground. Life has moved on. Matt is back to work, around me people are going about their normal routines, and I am still sitting here at home, going a little bit, or a lot, stir-crazy. Physically, I have turned a massive corner. I can get myself dressed, make my own food, and handle light things around the house with my grabbers! But not being able to drive right now makes me feel completely trapped.
On top of being cooped up, the emotional swings over the last several days were intense. Coming off the hospital medications and clearing out my system triggered heavy mood swings, raw anxiety, and visceral moments of panic. My nervous system was buzzing. With our trip to Costa Rica looming in three weeks, panic started creeping in about packing, planning retreat classes, and the fear that my muscles are turning to absolute mush while all I do is walk.
Trying to pull myself out of that head space yesterday, I sat down for Five Parks Yoga desk work. Before we launch a new class on YouTube, the second to last step is always sitting down to review the edit and write the class description. Knowing I had to do this for our weekend release, I pulled up our most recent release, called Grounded Core Stability, filmed late during our pre-surgery trip at Mancos State Park. (Did you try this class yet?!)
Back when we filmed it, Matt was still hoping to come home from our trip with a huge backlog of classes. I was understandably only able to do so much because of the state of my back. I remember shooting that class begrudgingly, fighting through the pain.
The sheer disconnect between my physical memory of that day and the footage playing back completely froze me. Watching myself float into crow pose and lift right into side planks felt staggering, especially knowing the agony I was in at the time.
Meanwhile, the real-time me was sitting in a chair with fused vertebrae and titanium rods down to my pelvis, still working on my daily walking mechanics.
Watching my old self move sparked an immediate gut-punch: Will I ever be there again?
Right behind that thought, though, came pure awe.
What my surgical team did inside my torso feels, to me, like a true miracle. They literally shifted my spine over inside my body. They relieved that tortured right muscle, the hump that had been locked in an agonizing spasm for years. The hump is gone and the pain is gone with it! My posture is new and different. I am sitting here right now noticeably taller, straighter, and free from the pain that was stealing my life. Seriously, wow!
Millions of tiny things could have gone wrong during a ten-level reconstruction, and not one did. I know the entire universe was watching over me, held up by the prayers, meditations, and pure love sent by so many people in my corner. All of you. My gratitude is endless.
Today, that astonishing surgical miracle transitions directly into the actual, daily labor of healing. This afternoon at 3:00 PM marks a huge milestone for me: my very first session in physical therapy.
I know I have to keep my expectations realistic. The PT cannot hand me car keys or tell me to jump back into my yoga practice. But after weeks of guessing what my limits are and spinning out in my head, I finally get to have an expert tell me what is safe, what to strengthen, and how to start moving with real confidence again. I am so excited for this next step.
